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A flood of living water

written by Eulalia D'Souza
spontaneous Love burst out of the orange
She was so vibrant and so lovely She
looked like the ladder
climbing up to heavenly

i’ve never been a
spontaneous person
but when i was a child
i grew flowers out of hurtful
and i would have done anything to
break free from those manacles i let
them cross my arms into diagonals rest
my hands upon my shoulders
submerge me under cold water
they laid me like a corpse
and i had one thought
~ i do ~

til death do us part
you have to die to restart
my purpose never seemed clearer
Love like God Loves and
find truth in the mirror


if you Love like God Loves
Love is a practice
not just propositional.

it’s been two years
since my baptism
i’ve become more
agnostic than christian
i reflect on the world
and i see crystals
radiating so much
wonder it lulls
me out of sleep
calls me to face the
mysterium whom i seek

the vibrant orange
makes me think
it’s impossible
to define our
so simply

even trying is

in fact i’d go as far as to say
that humans who assert one solitary way
of describing divine wisdom
are simply dumbfounded christians:

who are actually just
scared and faithless.

more often than not
i feel depressed and hopeless

though there is sparkle
i have to squint so hard
to see it beyond the darkness
there is light at the end of the tunnel

but the tunnel is never-ending and
there is harm in pretending that the
underground’s fertile soils do not
nurture our deep rooted toils

economic disparity
social polarity
because beauty got all
chewed up by vanity
and the world
swallowed by vulgarity

who spat on the ground
absolute disregard for human life
and made mud with the saliva
then carved with a knife
the grand palace of privation
malice founded civilisation

bricks of discrimination
layers of exploitation
the tower of babel:

a mosaic of

dictators’ domination
and the war for world peace
civilians’ search for liberty
is a chase for mad geese

we’re God’s sinners
we cage inhabitants
and make them prisoners
we say we have no cruel intentions
but watch idly as our cruel
control our neighbour’s expression
and state lines through suppression:

conversion ‘therapy’
and public funded
military aggression

some of us woke up in twenty-twenty
but the glass seems to have always been half-empty

i can trace Chaos back
to the market crash
of oh eight
nine eleven
the war on drugs
the holocaust

if i were a creationist
i could trace Chaos back to genesis.

Beauty formed in a womb formless and empty, God
smiled at her creation and called her Earth. Then
God breathed life into a girl she made of dust, They
walked together in the garden, alive with mirth.

God created womankind in her own image, And
God loved them so they acquired worth. But
when reckless neglect wrecked her daughter,
God deeply regretted ever giving birth.

Sacred ground of sacred perfection, God saw
All that she had made, and it was very good.
But when God’s heart became deeply troubled,
She told Noah to make an ark of cypress wood.

God created humans in her own image,
And then she destroyed them all with a flood.
How else could she annihilate corruption,
But use cold water to spill cold blood?

a Sorceress casting spells with chaos magic all Her
designs were destined for dark and tragic perhaps
Chaos is Order beyond our understanding but
Loving the unlovable is a venture too demanding

i search for eternal rest
but i fear i will succumb
to the self-interest of the careless
and the disinterest of the numb

we can’t be saved
the human condition
is wild and crazed
we’re beyond redemption
if you don’t believe me
just pay attention
single use plastics
one-night stands
love one another
a forgotten command

we forge friendships
that never last
bygones be bygones
we tell history
be gone to the past
at funerals we’ll fly

their flags at half mast
then on the third day
we’ll move on and recast
our nets into the sea
because there are plenty
more fish we can eat
we’re consumers at heart
we use and discard
we view humans as parts
reduce them to numbers and charts

without a moment of hesitation
we abuse humans as means
to the end of our gratification

we’re cold-blooded
we pursue pleasure with our own hands

we’re cold-blooded
we turn wonders into wastelands

we take and we break
and we allocate rations

we kill for the thrill
and become slaves to our passions

we bully and we burn and we turn a blind eye then we
question how hitler could industrialise genocide

wearing a dress drenched in ignorance
we delicately embroider the threads of our innocence

the theodicies we create to escape self-hate r
eveal who we are at our core

i used to pray but
i don’t know how to pray anymore

i would start my one-way conversations
with praise and grateful affirmations
but my anchor lost its grip on gratitude
and sinks in the quicksand of solitude

if i praise God for giving me
all the things i take for granted
then i’m praising God for
my neighbour’s status as branded

privation exists because of man
not God’s plan
still the comfortable will say
God wove adversity into the universe
like corruption’s some beautiful curse
how perverse!

the truth is it’s all down to our chances and choices
we recycle cruelty with our advances and voices

to put it simply:
humans fuck up
every single day
humans fuck up
in every single way

we choose ourselves over others
all our sisters and brothers
all our fathers and mothers
die forgotten because we’re rotten

we poison and pollute with a force so brute that
maybe brute can only be annihilated with brute
maybe brute is the seed for producing good fruit

i yearn for a neighbourhood of givers not takers
i yearn for a family of Lovers not haters
with motivated Love
i’d kill everyone
but the elected few

with motivated Love
i’d wash this world of her iniquity
and make her new

yes it’s true
sometimes i wish for a flood
for God to meddle in our mess once again
and make a new genesis from the mud

i want to do everything i can to change this universe
build a community of carers not consumers so i can
stop prophesying the worst

but ultimately i am just
a small speck of dust
and more than that
i am hopeless
everything i do
feels completely

i used to pray for the cruellest of monsters
i used to see the good in everyone
but i gave myself away to the monsters
like icarus: i flew too close to the sun

i’ll fold my arms into diagonals
try to break free from these manacles
but this violation’s terminal
it’s turned me narrow-minded and cynical

my neighbour’s not a murderer
but she’s a complacent bystander
who doesn’t even look the other way
she meets your eyes and shrugs
indifferent as long as she gets paid

and it’s crazy because currency is some made up thing
and yet it’s the only tangible reality to which we cling

it’s what consumers need to feed their greed
you can’t stop the flow of an internal bleed

if i were a heroine
what would it mean
if i anointed with myrrh?
would i cleanse the world
or destroy her?

would i be a savage or a saviour? would
God commend my brave behaviour? if it
caused our blemishes to perish would She
cherish it?

the cosmic battle between hope and bliss
launched a lunar eclipse
if you kissed my lips
would you taste the bitterness?

an image is a reflection of light
and trauma: an infection of sight

pain disconcerts the waves
turns cribs into graves
a violation of the highest degree
why can’t you see?
my antagonism is composed of
shattered assumptions
which means
if this worldview belongs
to the traumatised and blue
do you think our unchangeable God
has ptsd too?

She should have been sectioned
silenced and detained
for Her mind’s maimed state
and the apocalyptic risk
She posed to herself and others
all our sisters and brothers
all our fathers and mothers
everyone but the elected few

like the deer who yearns for living water
so my soul yearns for You
oh God

i yearn to feel the silk petals when
they glisten with the morning dew
i yearn to see the 5am sunrise
dance on the lake in pink hues in the
name of spontaneous Love She will
baptise my spirit with a deluge She will
destroy and renew
my dark and twisted worldview i’ll
float on the water like a corpse
nothing in my head but one thought
i do.
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